@cableknitjumper Have you heard the Monster Mash?


Very troubling that the song “Monster Mash” isn’t the Monster Mash — it’s a song about the Monster Mash, which is not itself heard on the track, and is fundamentally unknowable to us.

Be at ease. The possibility exists for us to hear the Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song. Although we never listen to it sung, we can listen to it at some point. Here is why:

When The Mad Scientist committed an inter-reality incursion from the Monster-Mash-Universe-Reality to the Our-Universe-Reality, he opened the door to expose that universe to ours. Proof here is that:

  • We can hear him narrating.
  • We can listen to The Crypt-Keepers Five playing the music.
  • We can listen to the backup singers to the Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song.
  • We know that the singer of Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song is at the party and wants to sing again: Dracula
  • A person is at the party listening to all this, and it is apparently not you: you are listening to Our-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song

Start by studying the diagram as a PDF, illustrating all of the evidence and relationships explaining everything. Be sure to click on the links for who wrote the song, the lyrics, and the video to get the full background. If you can’t do PDFs on your device then here is an image instead:

Click to get full-size version

Now that you’ve wrapped your head around it, you know that we can hear Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song. Yet you are still left with an awkward feeling of discomfort and confusion. You know that something is very, very wrong with this song. Despite the above: something is left unexplained. You must be wondering why precisely the music is crafted so that we never hear Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song?

You are right. You will read the answer below. It will push your mind to the limits of its understanding. If you are a real adventurer, and indeed you are, then read on to discover the actual conspiracy behind THE MONSTER MASH.

The Mad Scientist goes to great lengths to avoid letting you hear Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song. Think about it:

  • You hear him narrating
  • You hear the band playing the music
  • You hear the backup singers!
  • The singer Dracula is there, but he never sings despite the fact that he just reunited with the band. He was so enthusiastic about rejoining the band, yet he didn’t sing!

Yet you never hear the song. Everything is in place for the music, yet we never listen to it. Why?

We never hear the song because The Mad Scientist has been misleading us the entire time. Despite claiming that Dracula is the singer of the song, he is not. The Mad Scientist is the singer of the song! Here is why, for one simple reason:

The Mad Scientist can not narrate and sing at the same time. We never hear Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song because The Mad Scientist is dedicating all of this time describing all of the events in the Monster-Mash-Universe. Mystery solved!

After unwinding the depths of this song finally, I knew that I could rest easy. But something was still nagging at my mind. That night I heard weird sounds outside the window. A horrible Nor’easter rolled in the likes of which our small town hadn’t seen since The Great Tragedy of 1864. It is as though the song was haunting me. The question still lingered: Why did The Mad Scientist hide the music from us? The answer will shock you, so those with a weak constitution should not read on because there is another conspiracy contained within this very conspiracy revealed before us only moments ago!

Prepare to have your mind pushed to the furthest limits of its concept of time and space and brace yourself for a sense of Lovecraftian horror, the likes of which you may have never felt before. If you have a sense of humor, now is the time to engage it. Please follow along:

  • The Mad Scientist narrates the Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song, the backup singers sing, and the band plays. Everything is in place for you to hear the song, yet you don’t (or so you think!).
  • In Our-Universe, the singer and songwriter Bobby Pickett is singing Our-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song, yet we see no band or backup singers.
  • We have one universe with somebody singing one version of the song, and another universe people singing their rendition of everything but the song.

Logic demands that we come to our sense (or lack thereof) and accept the only possible explanation:

The Mad Scientist and Bobby Pickett are the same person. It explains everything. Here is why:

  • Both universe’s songs are incomplete. When you combine the two, they are complete in a simple and obvious way. The Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Song has everything but the song content. The Our-Universe-Monster-Mash has the singer, Bobby Pickett, providing the song content, but nothing else. When you combine them, you are left with a complete song.
  • At the very end, the very very of the song, The Mad Scientists gives away the secret when he says

For you, the living, this mash was meant too

The Mad Scientist reaches into both of our realities when he says that you can listen to the Monster-Mash-Universe-Monster-Mash-Dance. Consider though that we already know the song is sung by members of both realities present. It leads us to only one logical conclusion:

There is only a single reality at play here!

The combined reality we live in has both humans and monsters.

This is the conspiracy and the whole reason for the existence of this song, this subversive The Cabin In The Woods style conspiracy within a conspiracy song. It exists to show us one single thing. He wants us to know that:


Happy Halloween!

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